It’s been a very tiring day today. Tuesdays are the worst for me because it is my double shift. Up for work at 545AM working until Midnight. My body and my mind are both equally exhausted. The ambulance was out for a few hours today, otherwise I spent the day sending out more resumes. I have been sitting here looking over the job openings until my eyes were burning. This place has been gnawing at my nerves today. I have been sick to my stomach to the point of almost vomiting, horrible chest pain, even more horrible pain in my upper back, headache and shortness of breath. At one point I thought maybe I was having a heart attack but I keep reminding myself It is just stress (I hope). I have not heard anything on the other job I interviewed for last week, but the pay was too low so I’m okay with that. I would not be able to take it at their starting pay. I would however, love for one of the other places to contact me. I just don’t understand it.
To make matters worse I sent a text to my ex-husband yesterday and told him that my son wanted to live with me and we needed to make arrangements and talk so I could register him for school….no answer. I sent a second text today…no answer. Every decision I make regarding my employment will be based on whether Jake lives with me or not. Do I work days while he’s in school, and pay no child support, so I can be home with him at night. If I quit my full time job at night, which I hate, and for some reason Jake cant live here or it’ll be a long drawn out custody thing, I can’t accept a day job without also having to look for a new part time job at night. Right now my 3 jobs sort of support me. I don’t like the idea of upsetting the delicate balance I am barely hanging on too. I’m so afraid one way or another. I’m at the point however, where I feel I need to take a leap of faith and do what “I” need, for my health and sanity, and my boy. Alicia has already decided she wants to attend CT high school and stay with her friends and I respect that but I want my son with me. I’m strong enough now to go through this. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared. I am terrified. I’m the one that always gets walked all over. They say nice guys finish last, I guess it’s the same for nice girls!
On top of looking for a new job, wanting to get my son back home and possibly having a custody battle, I start back to school in 3 weeks. On deck is Business Law class (how appropriate) and introduction to Algebra…UGH!!! Maybe all of this is why I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. There is too much on my plate right now….and more and more is being piled on. I MUST learn how to relax, and I MUST find more time for myself. Getting back to the gym is in order, not only for my weight, but for my stress and mental health. But for right now…eyes closed…deep deep breaths…in through my nose out through my mouth…repeat!
Check out this site for tips on managing stress.