Tag Archive | anxiety

That moment you realize life needs to change….

For the past week I’ve not felt well.  Something is wrong, and I’m pretty sure it’s stress.  Well, I WAS pretty sure it was stressquote but now I don’t know what to think.  Last week I started to have chest pain while  I was at work. Sharp shooting pain that was gone the second I put my hand to my chest, that’s how fast it went.

I was unable to sleep the past few days and unable to relax.  I felt a bit anxious, but couldn’t understand why.  Then I started noticing that I could not walk from the house to the car without being out of breath.  My heart was pounding in my chest.  I took a shower, and when I got out I got a phone call.  My friend asked why I was out of breath.  I said “I just showered”, and his response was, “and just what were you DOING in the shower to be so out of breath?”   “Haha, nothing, but, it’s weird right, and my pulse is 110”!

So I saw the doctor today and said “it’s just stress, I know…but I wanted you to rule it out”.  He didn’t answer me and I got a little worried…He always tells me it’s stress.  Well, my pulse was 81, and I was still out of breath. He put the pulse ox on my finger and had me walk into the office and down a small hallway and again my pulse shot up to 110.  I’m out of breath and my chest hurts.  So, not normal! I was sent to the lab for blood work and a chest x-ray and if that comes up clear he is putting me on a 24 hour cardiac monitor called a Holter Monitor I think.

I debated coming to work tonight, #1 because I’m exhausted from this erratic heart rate, and #2 because of the work I do.  It’s physical.  If I have to go on a medical/trauma call I could have to hike someone in or out of somewhere with gear to carry too.  I just can’t do it right now.  My chest hurts bad again tonight, I’m trying to relax and I’m going to try to lay down.  I just had to get up and go into the ambulance for the patient care computer and when I got inside, again I couldn’t breathe.  My pulse was 120.  I am feeling horrible and hate waiting for the results.

However this turns out, whatever it may be…and it may be just stress after all.. but I realized one thing.  I always put EVERYONE else before myself.  I guess that’s what most women do.  But I don’t take care of myself.  I have been eating like crap, not exercising, work is quickly killing my spirit and then some. I need to start making changes that are good for ME and taking care of ME.  If I’m not here, I’m no good to anyone.  I never worried that I had high cholesterol or blood pressure.  I’m young.  I’m only 38 but I guess it’s time I started to take my health a little more seriously.  I need to make regular appointments for checkups and watch what I eat and exercise.  I told myself,  my body is like my car.  It needs an oil change and tune up and gasoline, etc…or it’s not going to perform the way I need it too. Well, If I don’t take the time to give my body what It needs it’s not going to work for me the way I need it too.

Also, I have a huge amount of stress in my life and I don’t know how to deal with it.  I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday, I’d gotten out of a meeting, was going into two more, and my ex-husband was texting me being a prick.  I looked at my friend and said while trying to catch my breath…I’m gonna have a freaking heart attack!

If anyone reads this post and you have any tricks or techniques for relieving stress or relaxing and shutting out the world please let me know.  I need some changes fast before I’m not here to make them.




Good Things Come To Those Who Wait…Right?

Yesterday was a long long day.  It started at 5:15 AM, off to job one.   When I was done there I had a job interview, then picked up my boy.  I was so happy to see him. My daughter is going with her grandparents so I said Hi/Bye..and Jake and I headed to job #2.  Luckily the woman is pretty much out of money this month so it was a quick day and I didn’t have to bring her out and entertain.  While we were there, Jacob told me his dad never gave him his medication, nor did he pack it for the weekend…Are You Kidding?  So, Instead of going home to relax as planned, I had to make plans to once again meet up with his father to get his medication.  We went to the store, got an Ice cream, and went to a fishing pond to chill out for a  while until It was time to meet him.  While I was there I got an upsetting email, and I was so ready to go home and be done with everyone and everything.  I met his dad, and went home.

I called my mother to let her know about the days happenings.  She told me I really needed to get out of the job I was working, that right from the beginning the place had completely changed my life.  She is right.  Oh she is very right.  All was right with my world until that place.

It started with the childish co-workers, barely out of diapers, that enjoy playing the game “operator”. Remember that one? You start a rumor and see how far it can spread.  Yeah, well, the rumor about me is what started all the problems.  But regardless of the rumors, the childishness, the lack of structure and the horrible hours, I’ve become a much stronger person.  I realized what is important to me. I realized the things I will and will not tolerate in my life.  I strive for so much more and am not happy to sit by and let my brain be wasted.  gossip_girls

Yes, I am sick when I go to work. I am tired of the stress, and I don’t need it in my life.  Not the kind I’m dealing with.  But I still don’t regret my decision to become an EMT, and the work has gotten me through the last 6 years.  But most importantly I’ve developed some life long connections and friends that I hold very dear.  I would not have had the courage to start again, nor would I have the amazing support group that I have in my life had I not gone down the path I chose to take.  It is however, important to realize when It’s time to move on.  It’s something you just know. You feel it in your heart.

Despite the complete exhaustion I felt from the day, I tried to lay and watch a movie with Jake after he came home from the neighbors house.  I had to shut it off half way through because I had to go to sleep.  Sleep eluded me however.  I was probably overtired.  Hour after hour I lay there with so much on my mind.  Trying to figure it all out in one night.  Worried that If I go with A, I lose B, and If I stay with B, I will never get anywhere the way I would have with A.  But I don’t know if any of it’s worth it to lose B.  Why can’t I just have it all.  God knows I’ve worked hard enough for it, with all my heart and soul.

I sat at the table this evening and reminded myself of something I was told a few months ago when Alicia was in the hospital.  You can only live right in this very minute, this second.  You can change nothing in the past even just a minute ago, and you don’t know what the future brings until It gets here.  I need to live in the moment.  I know what my goals are, and that is not something everyone can say. So I need to keep working towards them, because good things take time.  No matter how far away the good things may seem.

A Leap of Faith

When I saw my therapist this morning the events of the past week came spewing out of my mouth like lava from a volcano.  I was so stressed I was actually short of breath telling her about the issues.  She said she could see I was wound tight – no kidding – I’m gonna snap the line pretty soon! Amazingly enough, an hour later I left her office feeling better.  Not 100 percent, but better.  She got me to look at one big problem I kept basing everything in my life on, in a different way.  First off, just because my kids live with my ex-husband doesn’t mean he has to bully me or pull the strings like I’m his puppet.  I need to stay strong and stand up to him.  Also, I keep basing every decision in my life on whether the kids live with me or stay with him.  If they live with me I can work full time days and not pay him child support and then I can survive on one job.  If they stay with him I have to stay doing 3 jobs I’m not happy with just to pay my own bills.  She told me I”m looking at it all wrong.  I need to let go of the work and ex-husband issues that are controlling me because it’s exhausting me, mentally.  It is wearing me down.
She reminded me that I am strong, I’m a survivor, and I always manage to do what needs to be done and I always manage to get by.  She said, first of all, you must get out of a job that is making you physically ill.  And don’t worry about the child support so much, don’t obsess over it like it rules YOU! (oh yeah…my ex bribed the kids into staying with him, so I was once again feeling like what the hell do I do now, I can’t accept a full time job on days because I need these three jobs) So she said, you pay him $150/wk, look at that as your weekly grocery bill, you would have to spend if they lived with you anyway.  You have a job and your looking so  you can afford to be more picky and get what you want.  If you make enough in one job, that 150/wk (groceries) wont  be missed so much and you can survive, you always survive.  I realized, yes, it’s time for me to take a leap of faith.  Sometimes you can’t figure it all out ahead of time.  I need to take the full time job on days if one is offered to me and start feeling like a normal person and then the rest of it will fall into place.  I think the lack of sleep from the schedule I keep is not helping me at all.  When I was 18, going to bed at 1am and getting up at 545 was okay, not anymore.  Its just making me exhausted and cranky.  It’s time for a change, I have faith, that when I make the big leap, I will be okay and find land under my feet.  Even If I stumble a little bit, it’s not like I’ve never stumbled before.  So from now on I’m doing what’s best for me.  I’m not re-arranging my life around everyone else’s needs.  I can’t do it.  I am going to respect myself and the things I want.  Right now my kids are safe, they are being clothed and fed (supposedly) and going for check-ups and getting good grades.  I’m leaving it at that.  My daughter is almost 15 if this is her decision then that is the final decision.  I told her this isn’t a revolving door.  I will not re-arrange my entire life for her every time she has a fight with her father.  I told her I am always here, and if there is a problem she can come to me, but she needs to learn to work it out with her dad and step mom instead of saying I want to live here, no there, no here, no there.  I feel like a yo-yo.  Not anymore.  It’s hard to put your foot down and let go, but she needs to learn you  can’t run from your problems. you also have to live with the decisions you make. 

Now it’s my turn to try to find some happiness and normalcy in my life.  I pray that it’s right around the corner. 

Daily Challenge



Being in good health, for me, begins with my mental health.  For many many years I have struggled with depression.  Of course at first I didn’t really understand that was the problem.  It started with panic attack like symptoms when I miscarried my second child.  I was irritable and tired all the time.  I wanted to sleep a lot, had headaches and didn’t want to socialize.  I didn’t take care of myself physically, because I was physically unable too because of the depression.  It was literally controlling my life.  Prior to and the years following my divorce this became worse.  First of all, as a mom and the wife of an “ill” husband I had no time to take care of myself.  I had no time for myself…period..never mind making healthy choices for myself.  I just kept going day after day , feeling more isolated and lost.  I knew I wasn’t happy but I didn’t know why.  After my divorce and the change in antidepressant I became worse but in a different way.  I was thinking about dying all the time.  Thoughts would run through my head that were not ME.  Unbeknownst to me, my best friend was  watching my suffering and mood changes closely.  It didn’t take long before he gave me the name of a doctor that specialized in Antidepressants.  This doctor was amazing.  She finally (and quickly) got my medication correct and within 3 days I felt so much better.  It’s not only a pill that makes me happy though.  You have to want to be happy.  You have to want to move on and get better.  I didn’t realize before that depression was a real illness.  I hear people saying just “snap out of it”. It’s not something that you can snap out of.  True depression is from a chemical imbalance in the brain.  It’s not your fault, it’s not something to be able to control. But without good mental health, you can’t have good physical health. It’s not anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It can happen to anyone. 

I would sit in a chair for hours at a time, watching the raindrops, or the leaves blowing. Before I knew it the entire day was gone.  I didn’t want to leave the house.  I didn’t talk or see my friends, or exercise.  I felt like I could not get out of my own way if I had too.  My mind was like Pea Soup.  It was a fog so thick that I could not see through to make the most simple decision.  It affected every aspect of my life.  My relationships with men, my friends, my family and kids, and even work.  All I wanted to do was sleep until I started to feel better with this new medication.  The color came back into my face, I laughed again.  It was a strange sound, as I had not heard it in so long.  I went to the gym and started feeling better.  I was more relaxed and could finally start to look to the future and make decisions.  It was then I started advocating for people to be open about depression.

Even though I feel better most days I have to be careful.  I need to make sure I don’t miss any doses of medication or I feel horrible.  My alcohol intake has to be small to none at all.  I have found talking about it helps.  I have had a very hard time with this, because at some point over the last 5 years or so I put up some serious walls, and I don’t let people in far.  But I’ve tried to open up to people about depression, and cutting and suicidal thoughts because they are real.  I don’t think you can have a healthy lifestyle or even a healthy relationship with someone if you are not in a good place mentally.  Once you deal with the depression the rest of it seems to fall into place. 

It’s something that I deal with every day.  When I feel it…I need to force myself to push through it.  It’s physically hard to do, but you have to push through it.  I will get into moods where I don’t want to leave the house.  I literally don’t feel like I have the energy to run an errand.  I need to force myself.  I don’t want to go out with friends, and I need to force myself.  I have good days and bad and I constantly have to be aware. 

So even though I don’t have a physical disability or an illness that can be found with a blood test, xray or ultrasound, my illness, when not controlled, still keeps me from having a healthy active lifestyle.  So If you think you may be suffering from depression please go talk to your doctor.  Do some research yourself and fight for your health.  It will not only be good for you, but everyone else around you as well. 

Sometimes I don’t know why I try

Picture All I’ve heard from my daughter is how much she wants to come live with me.  So Ive been trying to figure out with my work schedule how I can make this happen.  Working 4 to midnight is not conducive to having a teenager and a 9 year old in the house alone at night.  That is why they live with their father.  He doesn’t work…and that’s a whole other story.
So I signed Jake (my son) up for a three week day camp in the town I live in so he would have something fun to do for a few weeks over summer break. I worked out with my employer a way I can cover my shift from home Sun and Mon nights, and If I have to leave for a work emergency Alicia (my daughter) will watch her brother until I get back.  Tuesdays Alicia goes to a painting class with my mom and Jake hangs out with my dad and then they take Jake until about 9 on Wednesday nights.  Then I’m off until Sunday again.  Well this whole schedule was a pain in the ass in itself to figure out so Jake could come for camp.  Well all I hear from Jake is how he wants to live with me.  Now there are safety issues with them living with their father, and I want them with me. I’ve been looking for a full time position on days, and I went to court and filed for custody of the kids last week.
Now all of a sudden after a weekend at her fathers, Alicia want to stay an extra night because she is “done watching Jake”. I told her I need her home In case I have to go out for work but otherwise I’ll be home.  She says she doesn’t care, have someone else watch him…blah blah.  And she isn’t sure if she wants to live with me because she has all her friends in CT (I am in MA). But my son still wants to live here.
It’s a freaking mess.  I am trying to turn my whole life upside down….finding new jobs (I work 3 to pay my ex child support), filing for custody, finding new health insurance If I leave my full time job and step down to part time until I find full time work.  All the while I don’t really know what to do.  I don’t want to have her live here if she is going to be resentful and angry all of the time because I took her away from her friends but I don’t want to hear that she wants to live with me again if she stays with her dad.  This is NOT a revolving door.  I can’t keep changing major things in my life at the whim of my child.  The thing is, I believe that the issues with her dad are severe enough that she should not be living there, but she is a teen going into high school with her friends, so I get that. I really do.  But I don’t know WHAT to do.  I want my son here regardless.  If she wants to stay with her dad and finish HS then maybe I should just let her.  I am tired of her calling the shots though.
Raising a teen isn’t easy, especially in the situation I’m in.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.