When I saw my therapist this morning the events of the past week came spewing out of my mouth like lava from a volcano. I was so stressed I was actually short of breath telling her about the issues. She said she could see I was wound tight – no kidding – I’m gonna snap the line pretty soon! Amazingly enough, an hour later I left her office feeling better. Not 100 percent, but better. She got me to look at one big problem I kept basing everything in my life on, in a different way. First off, just because my kids live with my ex-husband doesn’t mean he has to bully me or pull the strings like I’m his puppet. I need to stay strong and stand up to him. Also, I keep basing every decision in my life on whether the kids live with me or stay with him. If they live with me I can work full time days and not pay him child support and then I can survive on one job. If they stay with him I have to stay doing 3 jobs I’m not happy with just to pay my own bills. She told me I”m looking at it all wrong. I need to let go of the work and ex-husband issues that are controlling me because it’s exhausting me, mentally. It is wearing me down. She reminded me that I am strong, I’m a survivor, and I always manage to do what needs to be done and I always manage to get by. She said, first of all, you must get out of a job that is making you physically ill. And don’t worry about the child support so much, don’t obsess over it like it rules YOU! (oh yeah…my ex bribed the kids into staying with him, so I was once again feeling like what the hell do I do now, I can’t accept a full time job on days because I need these three jobs) So she said, you pay him $150/wk, look at that as your weekly grocery bill, you would have to spend if they lived with you anyway. You have a job and your looking so you can afford to be more picky and get what you want. If you make enough in one job, that 150/wk (groceries) wont be missed so much and you can survive, you always survive. I realized, yes, it’s time for me to take a leap of faith. Sometimes you can’t figure it all out ahead of time. I need to take the full time job on days if one is offered to me and start feeling like a normal person and then the rest of it will fall into place. I think the lack of sleep from the schedule I keep is not helping me at all. When I was 18, going to bed at 1am and getting up at 545 was okay, not anymore. Its just making me exhausted and cranky. It’s time for a change, I have faith, that when I make the big leap, I will be okay and find land under my feet. Even If I stumble a little bit, it’s not like I’ve never stumbled before. So from now on I’m doing what’s best for me. I’m not re-arranging my life around everyone else’s needs. I can’t do it. I am going to respect myself and the things I want. Right now my kids are safe, they are being clothed and fed (supposedly) and going for check-ups and getting good grades. I’m leaving it at that. My daughter is almost 15 if this is her decision then that is the final decision. I told her this isn’t a revolving door. I will not re-arrange my entire life for her every time she has a fight with her father. I told her I am always here, and if there is a problem she can come to me, but she needs to learn to work it out with her dad and step mom instead of saying I want to live here, no there, no here, no there. I feel like a yo-yo. Not anymore. It’s hard to put your foot down and let go, but she needs to learn you can’t run from your problems. you also have to live with the decisions you make.
Now it’s my turn to try to find some happiness and normalcy in my life. I pray that it’s right around the corner.
It’s been a very tiring day today. Tuesdays are the worst for me because it is my double shift. Up for work at 545AM working until Midnight. My body and my mind are both equally exhausted. The ambulance was out for a few hours today, otherwise I spent the day sending out more resumes. I have been sitting here looking over the job openings until my eyes were burning. This place has been gnawing at my nerves today. I have been sick to my stomach to the point of almost vomiting, horrible chest pain, even more horrible pain in my upper back, headache and shortness of breath. At one point I thought maybe I was having a heart attack but I keep reminding myself It is just stress (I hope). I have not heard anything on the other job I interviewed for last week, but the pay was too low so I’m okay with that. I would not be able to take it at their starting pay. I would however, love for one of the other places to contact me. I just don’t understand it.
To make matters worse I sent a text to my ex-husband yesterday and told him that my son wanted to live with me and we needed to make arrangements and talk so I could register him for school….no answer. I sent a second text today…no answer. Every decision I make regarding my employment will be based on whether Jake lives with me or not. Do I work days while he’s in school, and pay no child support, so I can be home with him at night. If I quit my full time job at night, which I hate, and for some reason Jake cant live here or it’ll be a long drawn out custody thing, I can’t accept a day job without also having to look for a new part time job at night. Right now my 3 jobs sort of support me. I don’t like the idea of upsetting the delicate balance I am barely hanging on too. I’m so afraid one way or another. I’m at the point however, where I feel I need to take a leap of faith and do what “I” need, for my health and sanity, and my boy. Alicia has already decided she wants to attend CT high school and stay with her friends and I respect that but I want my son with me. I’m strong enough now to go through this. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared. I am terrified. I’m the one that always gets walked all over. They say nice guys finish last, I guess it’s the same for nice girls!
On top of looking for a new job, wanting to get my son back home and possibly having a custody battle, I start back to school in 3 weeks. On deck is Business Law class (how appropriate) and introduction to Algebra…UGH!!! Maybe all of this is why I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. There is too much on my plate right now….and more and more is being piled on. I MUST learn how to relax, and I MUST find more time for myself. Getting back to the gym is in order, not only for my weight, but for my stress and mental health. But for right now…eyes closed…deep deep breaths…in through my nose out through my mouth…repeat!
It was a long weekend. I had to fight through another round of depression. The kids were supposed to be with me but chose to stay with their dad and help their Aunt move. It was fine. Most of the time I will just work in the yard, read, catch up on ME time. But not this weekend. I just had too much on my mind. I send out resume after resume and I’m not hearing a thing. I guess besides the fact that there are millions of people looking for jobs, it doesn’t help that I am looking to get back into something I did years ago. I used to work full time in Human Resources, and now for the past 6 years I have been full time EMT on an ambulance. So I want to get back into the office, maybe doing administrative work in a medical office so I can combine the experience from both jobs. The problem is I work nights so the kids are with their dad who does not work. I have to carry the health insurance and I pay my ex husband child support.. The kids, well my son now… want to live with me, and I want him with me as well. But I can’t have him here and work nights. I can’t find a job on days and If I quit my job how the hell will I be able to pay him child support. I also work 2 part time jobs during the day to make ends meet. I’m so tired. Mentally as well as physically.
I am so stressed out and sad. I don’t know what to do and If I make the wrong decision It will hurt me more financially then I’m hurting now. My kids can’t live with me because I have to work and have health insurance. What the hell kind of screwed up crap is that. I don’t have anyone around to help me with them. Not to mention, they should not have to be in school all day and have their mom gone to work at night. They are better off with their dad in that respect. But I’m so confused. I guess there is nothing I can do until I find another job.
Well the kids are gone. They are back home at their fathers house. It is quiet this morning and I have no one to make breakfast for so I’m laying back in bed. Yes this is nice sometimes, but I miss having them here. Alicia insisted that she does not want to live here anymore and that she wants to stay with her father because she’s going into high school and has friends. Unfortunately Jacob wanted to live with me for good but I can’t let him stay here as long as I’m working nights. The only thing that I can do is keep trying to find a job full-time, days, in which I can make enough money to support myself and him. I felt so bad, but the only way he could stay is if his sister was going to stay for a few more weeks too. To give me some more time to find a job. She refuses to watch him anymore she doesnt like babysitting & he doesn’t listen to her so I had no choice other than to have some go home to his fathers. If feel like I am in a terrible positio, first of all I don’t like splitting up the kids. But Alicia insists on staying with her father and I don’t think Jacob should be with his father. It’s not so simple as to just let them stay. I have to find a full-time job on days, assuming that I will be able to get custody back and the judge doesn’t think that Jacobs better off staying where he is because he’s already settled. I’m sure Jay will fight it, he doesn’t want to lose the child support money. So if I find a full-time job during the day and I cannot have Jacob live with me for some reason then I will have lost my two part-time jobs that I work during the day and I will be right back where I was before with not having enough money to live and looking for yet another job. I hate the feeling that every time my life is settled and I know where I’m going and what I’m doing something changes to cause me to question the direction I’m headed.
I can only take it one day at a time, and keep looking for a job. I won’t know what I’m doing until I find one first. If it were not for needing health insurance and benefits it would not be such a hard problem to solve.
So in the meantime the kids are gone, the house is quiet… but yet it is clean! That is one good thing about not having my kids here, I don’t have to clean so much.
But I do miss them terribly even though all they do is fight with each other, I will see them this weekend, And hopefully we can have some kind of fun adventure.
All I’ve heard from my daughter is how much she wants to come live with me. So Ive been trying to figure out with my work schedule how I can make this happen. Working 4 to midnight is not conducive to having a teenager and a 9 year old in the house alone at night. That is why they live with their father. He doesn’t work…and that’s a whole other story.
So I signed Jake (my son) up for a three week day camp in the town I live in so he would have something fun to do for a few weeks over summer break. I worked out with my employer a way I can cover my shift from home Sun and Mon nights, and If I have to leave for a work emergency Alicia (my daughter) will watch her brother until I get back. Tuesdays Alicia goes to a painting class with my mom and Jake hangs out with my dad and then they take Jake until about 9 on Wednesday nights. Then I’m off until Sunday again. Well this whole schedule was a pain in the ass in itself to figure out so Jake could come for camp. Well all I hear from Jake is how he wants to live with me. Now there are safety issues with them living with their father, and I want them with me. I’ve been looking for a full time position on days, and I went to court and filed for custody of the kids last week.
Now all of a sudden after a weekend at her fathers, Alicia want to stay an extra night because she is “done watching Jake”. I told her I need her home In case I have to go out for work but otherwise I’ll be home. She says she doesn’t care, have someone else watch him…blah blah. And she isn’t sure if she wants to live with me because she has all her friends in CT (I am in MA). But my son still wants to live here.
It’s a freaking mess. I am trying to turn my whole life upside down….finding new jobs (I work 3 to pay my ex child support), filing for custody, finding new health insurance If I leave my full time job and step down to part time until I find full time work. All the while I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to have her live here if she is going to be resentful and angry all of the time because I took her away from her friends but I don’t want to hear that she wants to live with me again if she stays with her dad. This is NOT a revolving door. I can’t keep changing major things in my life at the whim of my child. The thing is, I believe that the issues with her dad are severe enough that she should not be living there, but she is a teen going into high school with her friends, so I get that. I really do. But I don’t know WHAT to do. I want my son here regardless. If she wants to stay with her dad and finish HS then maybe I should just let her. I am tired of her calling the shots though.
Raising a teen isn’t easy, especially in the situation I’m in.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
One of the things I never thought I’d do again was move back home with my parents. Give me a break….What have I done in my life that I deserve to be punished with homelessness. No, I don’t feel like living in my parents basement is home. This hasn’t been home for a very long time.
So, I’m back, and I feel like a kid again. The kids have not visited much because there is no room for them and they are not happy about me being here. Mom and dad camp in the summer however so they are not home much. I was back to planning my trysts with men around my parents schedule (not that there were many). But it was kind of awkward to have a “male suitor” come a’ calling when mom and dad were upstairs, and mom comes down to do laundry!! Nope, forget that, I will plan for another time. No sense in myself or the guy feeling uncomfortable. Let me tell you I stayed away from “home” as much as possible. Some days I just drove around in my car until I thought my parents had more than likely gone to bed. One thing I hate more than anything is chatting with mom when I come home at night. Or being asked where I am going or where I was. It’s just not something a 36 year old wants to do, ya know?
So the point of me moving back here was to save money for a place to live and to file for bankruptcy. The divorce and the financial mess from my ex-husband wreaked havoc on my finances. So again, I was needing money. I could not survive on $230/wk from the ambulance ($150 was taken for CP) and $200 every two weeks from the disabled kid. So I started looking AGAIN. I found an elderly woman that needed help during the day with some shopping, dr. appointments and light housework. I went to meet with her and got the job on the spot. She had a stroke years ago and is confined to a wheelchair, with one side being completely paralyzed. So that’s what I did, from sun up to sun down, I worked 3 jobs. I’m exhausted…BEYOND depressed and stressed. I was at the point that I thought I was going to lose it. After 6 months with my parents I needed to leave. If I wanted to save my sanity and my relationships with my family, I needed my own home.
I was losing weight, that was the only up side. I hardly ate anymore.
I settled into my apartment in March of 2010, just 2 months after leaving my husband. It took me almost through the summer of that year to furnish and decorate rooms for the kids. Most of the stuff I found was second hand. It was nice to have my own place though. They gradually got used to the idea of me living in this new place, and their new bedrooms. It was still hard for them to go back and forth from me to dad, but things were a bit easier.
I started to take some time to try to find myself. I didn’t really know what that meant. I was very numb and depressed after many years of dealing with my husbands health problems, his lack of enthusiasm for life and my new found lack of self-esteem. I took the kids to Cape Cod for a long weekend that summer and we also went to Gloucester and Rockport.
One morning I packed a bag and headed out, not knowing where I would go. I ended up in Maine. I stopped at the Steakhouse my cousin worked at, had dinner and a Margarita at the bar until her shift ended and celebrated the fact that I was a big girl now. I never would have traveled this far alone before. I was always too afraid to be alone. Now I was embracing it. The next day I drove to Moosehead Lake where I honeymooned 14 years ago. A little further on, after seeing my favorite MOOSE, I ended up on the Canadian Boarder. I was SO proud of myself. I could not even believe I was up there…alone. And felt on top of the world. Windows open and sun on my face, radio turned up loud.
I checked into a Motel 6…another first for me. The next day I got a tattoo on the back of my neck. It was a tribute to someone that helped me through those hard times, when I was at this crossroads in my life. I also got my nose pierced. I was numb like I said, and I needed to feel this pain. This is why I can relate to my daughter cutting when she is hurting.
Checked into another Motel, spent some time at the beach and hung out with cousins.
I started dating that summer and even before I left my husband, I was drinking A LOT.
I still had absolutely no idea where I was going with my life or what I wanted to do. To make things more complicated, my (now ex husband) filed for divorce and child support, and I was now going to lose my apartment.
My Kitchen-nice and big!
I adored this livingroom
My kitty Boo! Got her when I was living here, she is a great Mouser!