Tag Archive | determination

Added – A dash of humor to my day!

feetToday was chock full of appointments.  I got dressed up, put on my high heels and ventured out.  I’m from the boonies, and where I live there is not as much traffic as where I was headed.  There are also no one way streets and parking garages.

Yes..the fun was just beginning.  Around and around and around I drove, literally! My GPS said take the next right over and over as I tried to reach my destination, and apparently kept passing it. I didn’t see the building I was looking for, nor did I see the parking lot that was supposed to be next to it.  I opted for a parking garage in the general area of my destination.  I drove in, and asked the attendant if I could park there, or if it was only for Hotel visitors as it was attached to a hotel.  He told me to go ahead, and down under the building…eek..creepy! So I did, and it was cramped to say the least down there.

The elevator sign said “Hotel Lobby”, so I hesitated, and asked a man getting off the elevator how to get to Main Street, that I was not going to the hotel.  He assured me to go up to the Hotel Lobby and then exit to Main.

This was NOT the day to wear heels! I walked all the way down main street…no 1331 Main.  I walked back the other way and decided to call the office I was looking for.  I was already 10 min’s late and my feet were blistered in my damn heels.

I had to cross a very busy street, walking like a penguin…or maybe a duck..I don’t know, but my feet hurt so bad I must have looked like a fool.  I looked around and finally found a small door in the back of a building…again..eek!

It was nice inside however, and I apologized for being late as I was out of breath and covered in sweat.  Great first appearance.  I told the woman that I would probably walk back barefoot until she advised me not too, that someone she knew that always walked barefoot had the flesh eating bacteria disease thingy!!  WHAT? Oh Lord!

I hobbled down the street and back down to the parking garage.  I found my way out and took literally FOREVER to figure out how to pay at the machine.  I couldn’t find the spot for my debit card, and when I fished out a $20 bill the poor attendant said, “Give me that and I’ll give you change or you’ll get almost $20 back in coins…yeah, that would go over well with the cars behind me!

Out of the lot I drove, glad to be going the right way on the one way street.  Out to the rotary I drove around it 3 whole times trying to figure out how and where to exit…geez.

I headed to another meeting in another town I was not familiar with and when that was finally done I got on the highway heading in the wrong direction…damn GPS! It’s the GPS’s fault you know! Seriously.

I can’t see well at night anyway and to make matters worse It started to rain, I was almost out of gas and it was 9pm and I had not eaten all day.

I finally made it home and felt like collapsing to the floor from my adventure and blistered feet.  I could have screamed and blown off the meetings, but I laughed and thought to myself, geez you might think this was my first time in the big city! I wonder how many people looked at me and thought..wow, is she for real?  Hahahaha, at least I can laugh at myself.  Right?

So now I”m happy to be back, literally in my own neck of the woods.

Damn GPS!

 

high-heels-sore-feet

Follow my heart? How?

It’s hard to rebuild your life.  I’m not going to lie.  Is it worth it? Yes! And most satisfying.

In the past few years I’ve been trying to figure out what will make me happy.  I’ve spent a lot of time trying to think back on the times in my life when I was content, and the things that make me calm, relaxed and happy.  Where do I belong?  Where do I fit into this world and what was I put here to do?  One of the things I used to want to do were fashion design. I once thought about going to Vassar College, but that didn’t go anywhere. Couldn’t afford it, didn’t have enough self confidence to think I could make it…and so on!   I’ve always loved art, and writing.  I started drawing when I was in high school, and had to keep a sketchbook for art class. I never knew I could draw until then.   I’ve always loved anything that involved putting pen or pencil to paper.  Drawing, writing in journals, or writing story’s, even English class.  My heart and mind keep going back to this. Like I need it, like its in my soul.  Whenever Ive imagined my life, what I wanted and where I wanted to be, I always go back to having a small log cabin on a lake.  Being on the water, quiet, rustic and peaceful.  Drawing and writing in the calm serenity of this place I would call home.  That is what I want and where I long to be.  I recently went back to school, majoring in Paralegal.  I thought it would be a good job, making decent money.  I used to work in Human Resources and enjoyed the legal part of it.  So, I thought, it’s lots of research and writing so it’ll be perfect.  But I’m not so sure.  I would love to pack up and move to the coast.  I keep talking about taking a leap of faith and just doing it, but how do you afford to live on faith.   I’d be worse off than I am now.  How do you find your way to your dreams?  How do you even figure out what  your dreams are supposed to be.   I know what I like and what makes me happy.  But how do I find what it is that I”m supposed to do with that?  I can’t follow my heart when I don’t really understand where it’s taking me?

Life’s Blessings

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The Kids and I

A friend of mine posted on Facebook that in the difficult times, it’s so important to remember what you’re blessed with.  We all go through hard times, difficult times.  But sometimes it seems like the hard times will never end.  So I started to think about all of the things in my life that I have been blessed with.  First and foremost are my two beautiful and healthy children.  Sadly, there are too many parents that have children that are not blessed with good health.  Also I have my health, and a roof over my head and food on the table.  I may not have much money, but I get by with the basic necessities that many people do not even have.  I have been blessed with the ability to start college at 37 years old, because I have the strength and determination to fight like hell to have a better life.  I value my independence, and am proud of myself for being able to survive mostly on my own, and be such a good role model for my kids. 

I could not do all of it on my own though, I have been blessed with the most amazing friends, that are always there for me.  Thankfully I still have a little time for my friends, my flowers, and for studying  despite the three jobs I need to work to pay the bills.  I am blessed to have a good therapist, that has helped me to deal with depression, grief, guilt and loss.  Helping also to deal with the feelings I have about my daughters cutting.

All in all I have more than a lot of people even dream of.  When I feel like I have nothing, or when other people are lucky and they have more than I do, I just remind myself that there is always someone that is worse off than I am.  Always someone who has less or is in a worse situation.  I am a glass half full kind of person.  I always see the good in people.  Sometimes it gets me hurt, sometimes I get taken advantage of, but it’s who I am and it’ll never change.  It is and always has been my nature to believe other people are good. Sometimes circumstances get me down for a while, but I get right back up.  Thanks to all of the blessings in my life. 

**The Burden of a Full Plate**

Tips for managing stress

Tips for managing stress

It’s been a very tiring day today.  Tuesdays are the worst for me because it is my double shift.  Up for work at 545AM working until Midnight. My body and my mind are both equally exhausted.  The ambulance was out for a few hours today, otherwise I spent the day sending out more resumes.  I have been sitting here looking over the job openings until my eyes were burning.  This place has been gnawing at my nerves today.  I have been sick to my stomach to the point of almost vomiting, horrible chest pain, even more horrible pain in my upper back, headache and shortness of breath.  At one point I thought maybe I was having a heart attack but I keep reminding myself It is just stress (I hope). I have not heard anything on the other job I interviewed for last week, but the pay was too low so I’m okay with that.  I would not be able to take it at their starting pay.  I would however, love for one of the other places to contact me.  I just don’t understand it.

To make matters worse I sent a text to my ex-husband yesterday and told him that my son wanted to live with me and we needed to make arrangements and talk so I could register him for school….no answer.  I sent a second text today…no answer.  Every decision I make regarding my employment will be based on whether Jake lives with me or not.  Do I work days while he’s in school, and pay no child support, so I can be home with him at night.  If I quit my full time job at night, which I hate, and for some reason Jake cant live here or it’ll be a long drawn out custody thing, I can’t accept a day job without also having to look for a new part time job at night.  Right now my 3 jobs sort of support me.  I don’t like the idea of upsetting the delicate balance I am barely hanging on too.  I’m so afraid one way or another.  I’m at the point however, where I feel I need to take a leap of faith and do what “I” need, for my health and sanity, and my boy.  Alicia has already decided she wants to attend CT high school and stay with her friends and I respect that but I want my son with me.  I’m strong enough now to go through this. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared.  I am terrified. I’m the one that always gets walked all over.  They say nice guys finish last, I guess it’s the same for nice girls!

On top of looking for a new job, wanting to get my son back home and possibly having a custody battle, I start back to school in 3 weeks.  On deck is Business Law class (how appropriate) and introduction to Algebra…UGH!!! Maybe all of this is why I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.  There is too much on my plate right now….and more and more is being piled on.  I MUST learn how to relax, and I MUST find more time for myself.  Getting back to the gym is in order, not only for my weight, but for my stress and mental health.  But for right now…eyes closed…deep deep breaths…in through my nose out through my mouth…repeat!

 

Check out this site for tips on managing stress.

http://access.ewu.edu/caps/selfhelp/stressmanage.xml