Tag Archive | divorce

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait…Right?

Yesterday was a long long day.  It started at 5:15 AM, off to job one.   When I was done there I had a job interview, then picked up my boy.  I was so happy to see him. My daughter is going with her grandparents so I said Hi/Bye..and Jake and I headed to job #2.  Luckily the woman is pretty much out of money this month so it was a quick day and I didn’t have to bring her out and entertain.  While we were there, Jacob told me his dad never gave him his medication, nor did he pack it for the weekend…Are You Kidding?  So, Instead of going home to relax as planned, I had to make plans to once again meet up with his father to get his medication.  We went to the store, got an Ice cream, and went to a fishing pond to chill out for a  while until It was time to meet him.  While I was there I got an upsetting email, and I was so ready to go home and be done with everyone and everything.  I met his dad, and went home.

I called my mother to let her know about the days happenings.  She told me I really needed to get out of the job I was working, that right from the beginning the place had completely changed my life.  She is right.  Oh she is very right.  All was right with my world until that place.

It started with the childish co-workers, barely out of diapers, that enjoy playing the game “operator”. Remember that one? You start a rumor and see how far it can spread.  Yeah, well, the rumor about me is what started all the problems.  But regardless of the rumors, the childishness, the lack of structure and the horrible hours, I’ve become a much stronger person.  I realized what is important to me. I realized the things I will and will not tolerate in my life.  I strive for so much more and am not happy to sit by and let my brain be wasted.  gossip_girls

Yes, I am sick when I go to work. I am tired of the stress, and I don’t need it in my life.  Not the kind I’m dealing with.  But I still don’t regret my decision to become an EMT, and the work has gotten me through the last 6 years.  But most importantly I’ve developed some life long connections and friends that I hold very dear.  I would not have had the courage to start again, nor would I have the amazing support group that I have in my life had I not gone down the path I chose to take.  It is however, important to realize when It’s time to move on.  It’s something you just know. You feel it in your heart.

Despite the complete exhaustion I felt from the day, I tried to lay and watch a movie with Jake after he came home from the neighbors house.  I had to shut it off half way through because I had to go to sleep.  Sleep eluded me however.  I was probably overtired.  Hour after hour I lay there with so much on my mind.  Trying to figure it all out in one night.  Worried that If I go with A, I lose B, and If I stay with B, I will never get anywhere the way I would have with A.  But I don’t know if any of it’s worth it to lose B.  Why can’t I just have it all.  God knows I’ve worked hard enough for it, with all my heart and soul.

I sat at the table this evening and reminded myself of something I was told a few months ago when Alicia was in the hospital.  You can only live right in this very minute, this second.  You can change nothing in the past even just a minute ago, and you don’t know what the future brings until It gets here.  I need to live in the moment.  I know what my goals are, and that is not something everyone can say. So I need to keep working towards them, because good things take time.  No matter how far away the good things may seem.

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A Leap of Faith

When I saw my therapist this morning the events of the past week came spewing out of my mouth like lava from a volcano.  I was so stressed I was actually short of breath telling her about the issues.  She said she could see I was wound tight – no kidding – I’m gonna snap the line pretty soon! Amazingly enough, an hour later I left her office feeling better.  Not 100 percent, but better.  She got me to look at one big problem I kept basing everything in my life on, in a different way.  First off, just because my kids live with my ex-husband doesn’t mean he has to bully me or pull the strings like I’m his puppet.  I need to stay strong and stand up to him.  Also, I keep basing every decision in my life on whether the kids live with me or stay with him.  If they live with me I can work full time days and not pay him child support and then I can survive on one job.  If they stay with him I have to stay doing 3 jobs I’m not happy with just to pay my own bills.  She told me I”m looking at it all wrong.  I need to let go of the work and ex-husband issues that are controlling me because it’s exhausting me, mentally.  It is wearing me down.
She reminded me that I am strong, I’m a survivor, and I always manage to do what needs to be done and I always manage to get by.  She said, first of all, you must get out of a job that is making you physically ill.  And don’t worry about the child support so much, don’t obsess over it like it rules YOU! (oh yeah…my ex bribed the kids into staying with him, so I was once again feeling like what the hell do I do now, I can’t accept a full time job on days because I need these three jobs) So she said, you pay him $150/wk, look at that as your weekly grocery bill, you would have to spend if they lived with you anyway.  You have a job and your looking so  you can afford to be more picky and get what you want.  If you make enough in one job, that 150/wk (groceries) wont  be missed so much and you can survive, you always survive.  I realized, yes, it’s time for me to take a leap of faith.  Sometimes you can’t figure it all out ahead of time.  I need to take the full time job on days if one is offered to me and start feeling like a normal person and then the rest of it will fall into place.  I think the lack of sleep from the schedule I keep is not helping me at all.  When I was 18, going to bed at 1am and getting up at 545 was okay, not anymore.  Its just making me exhausted and cranky.  It’s time for a change, I have faith, that when I make the big leap, I will be okay and find land under my feet.  Even If I stumble a little bit, it’s not like I’ve never stumbled before.  So from now on I’m doing what’s best for me.  I’m not re-arranging my life around everyone else’s needs.  I can’t do it.  I am going to respect myself and the things I want.  Right now my kids are safe, they are being clothed and fed (supposedly) and going for check-ups and getting good grades.  I’m leaving it at that.  My daughter is almost 15 if this is her decision then that is the final decision.  I told her this isn’t a revolving door.  I will not re-arrange my entire life for her every time she has a fight with her father.  I told her I am always here, and if there is a problem she can come to me, but she needs to learn to work it out with her dad and step mom instead of saying I want to live here, no there, no here, no there.  I feel like a yo-yo.  Not anymore.  It’s hard to put your foot down and let go, but she needs to learn you  can’t run from your problems. you also have to live with the decisions you make. 

Now it’s my turn to try to find some happiness and normalcy in my life.  I pray that it’s right around the corner. 

**The Burden of a Full Plate**

Tips for managing stress

Tips for managing stress

It’s been a very tiring day today.  Tuesdays are the worst for me because it is my double shift.  Up for work at 545AM working until Midnight. My body and my mind are both equally exhausted.  The ambulance was out for a few hours today, otherwise I spent the day sending out more resumes.  I have been sitting here looking over the job openings until my eyes were burning.  This place has been gnawing at my nerves today.  I have been sick to my stomach to the point of almost vomiting, horrible chest pain, even more horrible pain in my upper back, headache and shortness of breath.  At one point I thought maybe I was having a heart attack but I keep reminding myself It is just stress (I hope). I have not heard anything on the other job I interviewed for last week, but the pay was too low so I’m okay with that.  I would not be able to take it at their starting pay.  I would however, love for one of the other places to contact me.  I just don’t understand it.

To make matters worse I sent a text to my ex-husband yesterday and told him that my son wanted to live with me and we needed to make arrangements and talk so I could register him for school….no answer.  I sent a second text today…no answer.  Every decision I make regarding my employment will be based on whether Jake lives with me or not.  Do I work days while he’s in school, and pay no child support, so I can be home with him at night.  If I quit my full time job at night, which I hate, and for some reason Jake cant live here or it’ll be a long drawn out custody thing, I can’t accept a day job without also having to look for a new part time job at night.  Right now my 3 jobs sort of support me.  I don’t like the idea of upsetting the delicate balance I am barely hanging on too.  I’m so afraid one way or another.  I’m at the point however, where I feel I need to take a leap of faith and do what “I” need, for my health and sanity, and my boy.  Alicia has already decided she wants to attend CT high school and stay with her friends and I respect that but I want my son with me.  I’m strong enough now to go through this. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared.  I am terrified. I’m the one that always gets walked all over.  They say nice guys finish last, I guess it’s the same for nice girls!

On top of looking for a new job, wanting to get my son back home and possibly having a custody battle, I start back to school in 3 weeks.  On deck is Business Law class (how appropriate) and introduction to Algebra…UGH!!! Maybe all of this is why I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.  There is too much on my plate right now….and more and more is being piled on.  I MUST learn how to relax, and I MUST find more time for myself.  Getting back to the gym is in order, not only for my weight, but for my stress and mental health.  But for right now…eyes closed…deep deep breaths…in through my nose out through my mouth…repeat!

 

Check out this site for tips on managing stress.

http://access.ewu.edu/caps/selfhelp/stressmanage.xml

 

Lonliness of single life

Most of the time I like being on my own.  Not having to answer to anyone, or be home at a certain time to cook or do someones laundry.  I don’t have to call and say, I’m going to be late! But all that comes with a price.  It’s not being alone after you go through a divorce, and your single again that hurts…it’s the lonely part of being alone.  Being alone, and doing your own thing Is entirely different.  Having time for  your hobbies, your friends or alone time, like  a long soak in a hot bath, that’s different than that lonely time.  Being lonely is the Friday nights when you have to lay and watch a movie alone. Bedtime… when you crawl into that big empty bed…alone.  Mornings when there is no one to cook for, the rides in the car you take by yourself, the longing for a partner when you sit on the beach.  The lonliness that haunts you. 

Sometimes the sadness from being lonely feels like it’ll swallow you whole.  And it’s not like you can just call up a friend. Because it’s not them you want.  You love your friends, but they cannot provide you what your craving.  The companionship of a lover.  That one person you want to share  your life with.  That you tell all your hopes and dreams too, that doesn’t judge you.  Your best friend, who will hold you in your arms whether your laughing or crying with streaks of tears down your face.  And they will still think your beautiful and love you, and tell you so. That one person who can make all the monsters go away.  The love of your life, your soul mate. Longing for that person, is what lonliness is all about. 

Tonight is the night before my 38th birthday.  This is not where I expected to be at this time in my life, but I am happy with who I’ve become and the changes I’ve made.  But I am lonely on this night.  And I know I will be tomorrow as well.  It’s just one of those times I have a hard time getting through.  Like Christmas.  I have an image in my head of the way things should be.  Like when I was a child, and it was a day of celebration.  Now it’s just another day, a day I have shit to do around the house, and I will watch a movie alone and go to bed alone, and not be able to share myself with my lover. 

So tonight, I had a bottle of wine, maybe you could tell by the way I’m writing tonight.  I watched a movie, and cleaned the house.  But right now I’m feeling kinda down so I’m going to bed. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Work or my kids…No one should have to choose.

It was a long weekend.  I had to fight through another round of depression.  The kids were supposed to be with me but chose to stay with their dad and help their Aunt move.  It was fine.  Most of the time I will  just work in the yard, read, catch up on ME time.  But not this weekend.  I just had too much on my mind.  I send out resume after resume and I’m not hearing a thing.  I guess besides the fact that there are millions of people looking for jobs, it doesn’t help that I am looking to get back into something I did years ago.  I used to work full time in Human Resources, and now for the past 6 years I have been full time EMT on an ambulance.  So I want to get back into the office, maybe doing administrative work in a medical office so I can combine the experience from both jobs.  The problem is I work nights so the kids are with their dad who does not work.  I have to carry the health insurance and I pay my ex  husband child support.. The kids, well my son now… want to live with me, and I want him with me as well. But I can’t have him here and work nights.  I can’t find a job on days and If I quit my job how the hell will I be able to pay him child support.  I also work 2 part time jobs during the day to make ends meet.  I’m so tired. Mentally as well as physically.

I am so stressed out and sad.  I don’t know what to do and If I make the wrong decision It will hurt me more financially then I’m hurting now.  My kids can’t live with me because I have to work and have health insurance.  What the hell kind of screwed up crap is that.  I don’t have anyone around to help me with them. Not to mention, they should not have to be in school all day and have their mom gone to work at night.  They are better off with their dad in that respect.  But I’m so confused.  I guess there is nothing I can do until I find another job.

Sorry just very tired and needed to vent.

Kids went home – to dads

Well the kids are gone. They are back home at their fathers house. It is quiet this morning and I have no one to make breakfast for so I’m laying back in bed. Yes this is nice sometimes, but I miss having them here. Alicia insisted that she does not want to live here anymore and that she wants to stay with her father because she’s going into high school and has friends. Unfortunately Jacob wanted to live with me for good but I can’t let him stay here as long as I’m working nights. The only thing that I can do is keep trying to find a job full-time, days, in which I can make enough money to support myself and him. I felt so bad, but the only way he could stay is if his sister was going to stay for a few more weeks too. To give me some more time to find a job. She refuses to watch him anymore she doesnt like babysitting & he doesn’t listen to her so I had no choice other than to have some go home to his fathers. If feel like I am in a terrible positio, first of all I don’t like splitting up the kids. But Alicia insists on staying with her father and I don’t think Jacob should be with his father. It’s not so simple as to just let them stay. I have to find a full-time job on days, assuming that I will be able to get custody back and the judge doesn’t think that Jacobs better off staying where he is because he’s already settled. I’m sure Jay will fight it, he doesn’t want to lose the child support money. So if I find a full-time job during the day and I cannot have Jacob live with me for some reason then I will have lost my two part-time jobs that I work during the day and I will be right back where I was before with not having enough money to live and looking for yet another job. I hate the feeling that every time my life is settled and I know where I’m going and what I’m doing something changes to cause me to question the direction I’m headed.

I can only take it one day at a time, and keep looking for a job. I won’t know what I’m doing until I find one first. If it were not for needing health insurance and benefits it would not be such a hard problem to solve.

So in the meantime the kids are gone, the house is quiet… but yet it is clean! That is one good thing about not having my kids here, I don’t have to clean so much.

But I do miss them terribly even though all they do is fight with each other, I will see them this weekend, And hopefully we can have some kind of fun adventure.

Picture

Jacob’s macaroni beach he made at camp!

Cellar Dweller…

One of the things I never thought I’d do again was move back home with my parents.  Give me a break….What have I done in my life that I deserve to be punished with homelessness.  No, I don’t feel like living in my parents basement is home.  This hasn’t been home for a very long time.
So, I’m back, and I feel like a kid again.  The kids have not visited much because there is no room for them and they are not happy about me being here.  Mom and dad camp in the summer however so they are not home much.  I was back to planning my trysts with men around my parents schedule (not that there were many).  But it was kind of awkward to have a “male suitor” come a’ calling when mom and dad were upstairs, and mom comes down to do laundry!! Nope, forget that, I will plan for another time.  No sense in myself or the guy feeling uncomfortable.  Let me tell you I stayed away from “home” as much as possible.  Some days I just drove around in my car until I thought my parents had more than likely gone to bed. One thing I hate more than anything is chatting with mom when I come home at night.  Or being asked where I am going or where I was.  It’s just not something a 36 year old wants to do, ya know?
So the point of me moving back here was to save money for a place to live and to file for bankruptcy.  The divorce and the financial mess from my ex-husband wreaked havoc on my finances.  So again, I was needing money.  I could not survive on $230/wk from the ambulance ($150 was taken for CP) and $200 every two weeks from the disabled kid.  So I started looking AGAIN.  I found an elderly woman that needed help during the day with some shopping, dr. appointments and light housework.  I went to meet with her and got the job on the spot.  She had a stroke years ago and is confined to a wheelchair, with one side being completely paralyzed.  So that’s what I did, from sun up to sun down, I worked 3 jobs.  I’m exhausted…BEYOND depressed and stressed.  I was at the point that I thought I was going to lose it.  After 6 months with my parents I needed to leave.  If I wanted to save my sanity and my relationships with my family, I needed my own home.
I was losing weight, that was the only up side.  I hardly ate anymore.

Me in the kitchen

Me in the kitchen

Losing weight...yay!

Losing weight…yay!