When I saw my therapist this morning the events of the past week came spewing out of my mouth like lava from a volcano. I was so stressed I was actually short of breath telling her about the issues. She said she could see I was wound tight – no kidding – I’m gonna snap the line pretty soon! Amazingly enough, an hour later I left her office feeling better. Not 100 percent, but better. She got me to look at one big problem I kept basing everything in my life on, in a different way. First off, just because my kids live with my ex-husband doesn’t mean he has to bully me or pull the strings like I’m his puppet. I need to stay strong and stand up to him. Also, I keep basing every decision in my life on whether the kids live with me or stay with him. If they live with me I can work full time days and not pay him child support and then I can survive on one job. If they stay with him I have to stay doing 3 jobs I’m not happy with just to pay my own bills. She told me I”m looking at it all wrong. I need to let go of the work and ex-husband issues that are controlling me because it’s exhausting me, mentally. It is wearing me down.
She reminded me that I am strong, I’m a survivor, and I always manage to do what needs to be done and I always manage to get by. She said, first of all, you must get out of a job that is making you physically ill. And don’t worry about the child support so much, don’t obsess over it like it rules YOU! (oh yeah…my ex bribed the kids into staying with him, so I was once again feeling like what the hell do I do now, I can’t accept a full time job on days because I need these three jobs) So she said, you pay him $150/wk, look at that as your weekly grocery bill, you would have to spend if they lived with you anyway. You have a job and your looking so you can afford to be more picky and get what you want. If you make enough in one job, that 150/wk (groceries) wont be missed so much and you can survive, you always survive. I realized, yes, it’s time for me to take a leap of faith. Sometimes you can’t figure it all out ahead of time. I need to take the full time job on days if one is offered to me and start feeling like a normal person and then the rest of it will fall into place. I think the lack of sleep from the schedule I keep is not helping me at all. When I was 18, going to bed at 1am and getting up at 545 was okay, not anymore. Its just making me exhausted and cranky. It’s time for a change, I have faith, that when I make the big leap, I will be okay and find land under my feet. Even If I stumble a little bit, it’s not like I’ve never stumbled before. So from now on I’m doing what’s best for me. I’m not re-arranging my life around everyone else’s needs. I can’t do it. I am going to respect myself and the things I want. Right now my kids are safe, they are being clothed and fed (supposedly) and going for check-ups and getting good grades. I’m leaving it at that. My daughter is almost 15 if this is her decision then that is the final decision. I told her this isn’t a revolving door. I will not re-arrange my entire life for her every time she has a fight with her father. I told her I am always here, and if there is a problem she can come to me, but she needs to learn to work it out with her dad and step mom instead of saying I want to live here, no there, no here, no there. I feel like a yo-yo. Not anymore. It’s hard to put your foot down and let go, but she needs to learn you can’t run from your problems. you also have to live with the decisions you make.
Now it’s my turn to try to find some happiness and normalcy in my life. I pray that it’s right around the corner.