Tag Archive | Family

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait…Right?

Yesterday was a long long day.  It started at 5:15 AM, off to job one.   When I was done there I had a job interview, then picked up my boy.  I was so happy to see him. My daughter is going with her grandparents so I said Hi/Bye..and Jake and I headed to job #2.  Luckily the woman is pretty much out of money this month so it was a quick day and I didn’t have to bring her out and entertain.  While we were there, Jacob told me his dad never gave him his medication, nor did he pack it for the weekend…Are You Kidding?  So, Instead of going home to relax as planned, I had to make plans to once again meet up with his father to get his medication.  We went to the store, got an Ice cream, and went to a fishing pond to chill out for a  while until It was time to meet him.  While I was there I got an upsetting email, and I was so ready to go home and be done with everyone and everything.  I met his dad, and went home.

I called my mother to let her know about the days happenings.  She told me I really needed to get out of the job I was working, that right from the beginning the place had completely changed my life.  She is right.  Oh she is very right.  All was right with my world until that place.

It started with the childish co-workers, barely out of diapers, that enjoy playing the game “operator”. Remember that one? You start a rumor and see how far it can spread.  Yeah, well, the rumor about me is what started all the problems.  But regardless of the rumors, the childishness, the lack of structure and the horrible hours, I’ve become a much stronger person.  I realized what is important to me. I realized the things I will and will not tolerate in my life.  I strive for so much more and am not happy to sit by and let my brain be wasted.  gossip_girls

Yes, I am sick when I go to work. I am tired of the stress, and I don’t need it in my life.  Not the kind I’m dealing with.  But I still don’t regret my decision to become an EMT, and the work has gotten me through the last 6 years.  But most importantly I’ve developed some life long connections and friends that I hold very dear.  I would not have had the courage to start again, nor would I have the amazing support group that I have in my life had I not gone down the path I chose to take.  It is however, important to realize when It’s time to move on.  It’s something you just know. You feel it in your heart.

Despite the complete exhaustion I felt from the day, I tried to lay and watch a movie with Jake after he came home from the neighbors house.  I had to shut it off half way through because I had to go to sleep.  Sleep eluded me however.  I was probably overtired.  Hour after hour I lay there with so much on my mind.  Trying to figure it all out in one night.  Worried that If I go with A, I lose B, and If I stay with B, I will never get anywhere the way I would have with A.  But I don’t know if any of it’s worth it to lose B.  Why can’t I just have it all.  God knows I’ve worked hard enough for it, with all my heart and soul.

I sat at the table this evening and reminded myself of something I was told a few months ago when Alicia was in the hospital.  You can only live right in this very minute, this second.  You can change nothing in the past even just a minute ago, and you don’t know what the future brings until It gets here.  I need to live in the moment.  I know what my goals are, and that is not something everyone can say. So I need to keep working towards them, because good things take time.  No matter how far away the good things may seem.


Teen Depression/Antidepressants

Ive gotten through a lot of tough times in my life, but the newest challenge seems to be my teenage daughter. She’s always been kind of moody, but it’s become so much worse lately. She is in her room alone all the time, she is mean to her brother, but her attitude changes so suddenly. I’m beginning to think that maybe she is BiPolar.
She has had a few episodes of cutting. She takes a razor blade and uses it to make superficial cuts in her arms. She says she doesn’t know what to do with her emotions so cutting takes her mind off of the other problems. So about 3 weeks ago my ex-husband called and said he was considering having her held in the psych unit because she told him she has been thinking of killing herself for the last 3 weeks. I called and told her to promise she would not hurt herself and let us talk to the doctor. She told me she couldn’t promise me anything. I agreed to take her to the hospital to talk to someone, and they ended up keeping her overnight and holding her on a section 12. That is were you are held for AT LEAST 72 hours so the doctors can decide if you are a threat to yourself or others. I never thought I’d sign the paperwork to have my own child committed to a psych hospital.
She stayed for 5 days, and I think it was a sort of wake up call for her. She realized that other kids were so far worse off than she was. She is and has been angry at her father and I believe she was trying to get his attention. (She wants to come live with me, which I’m in the process of working on, but that’s a story for another whole post). She got a lot of stuff off her chest to her father that was bothering her, but he never wants to listen to what she has to say. So, she wants to come live with me. Last Week. This week she wants to be at her house in CT again so she can start High School with her friends. I told her with the things going on at her home a judge may not give her the choice. But I’m so frustrated. I went to the courthouse last week and filed custodial paperwork, which cost me $55 just to file, and then it’s another $60 to have my ex served.
After all of this she says well wait on it because I’m not sure if I want to live with you or dad. I’m getting angry because I’m trying very hard to put my own life back together. I’m looking for a full time job on days because I work nights. I also work 3 jobs to make ends meet and I don’t think she gets that. I can’t just change back and forth like flipping a light switch. I was so angry. And I’m sure that’s why she is so moody today but this is grown-up, real life, important stuff. It’s not simple.
So she has been in her room, stays there most of the time, and argues with me about everything. On top of everything, she was given an antidepressant, which took us a long time to decide to have them try, and she won’t take. The doctor said there is a slight chance of weight gain and she refuses to take it, and I believe it might help even out her moods a bit. I asked her to try giving it one month and then decide, so I’m waiting for her to decide.
I feel like I’m going crazy trying to figure out this custody thing, and my finances, and my job and my health insurance, and if she tells a judge after we go to court she decided to stay with dad, I will have rearrange my entire life.