Yesterday was a long long day. It started at 5:15 AM, off to job one. When I was done there I had a job interview, then picked up my boy. I was so happy to see him. My daughter is going with her grandparents so I said Hi/Bye..and Jake and I headed to job #2. Luckily the woman is pretty much out of money this month so it was a quick day and I didn’t have to bring her out and entertain. While we were there, Jacob told me his dad never gave him his medication, nor did he pack it for the weekend…Are You Kidding? So, Instead of going home to relax as planned, I had to make plans to once again meet up with his father to get his medication. We went to the store, got an Ice cream, and went to a fishing pond to chill out for a while until It was time to meet him. While I was there I got an upsetting email, and I was so ready to go home and be done with everyone and everything. I met his dad, and went home.
I called my mother to let her know about the days happenings. She told me I really needed to get out of the job I was working, that right from the beginning the place had completely changed my life. She is right. Oh she is very right. All was right with my world until that place.
It started with the childish co-workers, barely out of diapers, that enjoy playing the game “operator”. Remember that one? You start a rumor and see how far it can spread. Yeah, well, the rumor about me is what started all the problems. But regardless of the rumors, the childishness, the lack of structure and the horrible hours, I’ve become a much stronger person. I realized what is important to me. I realized the things I will and will not tolerate in my life. I strive for so much more and am not happy to sit by and let my brain be wasted.
Yes, I am sick when I go to work. I am tired of the stress, and I don’t need it in my life. Not the kind I’m dealing with. But I still don’t regret my decision to become an EMT, and the work has gotten me through the last 6 years. But most importantly I’ve developed some life long connections and friends that I hold very dear. I would not have had the courage to start again, nor would I have the amazing support group that I have in my life had I not gone down the path I chose to take. It is however, important to realize when It’s time to move on. It’s something you just know. You feel it in your heart.
Despite the complete exhaustion I felt from the day, I tried to lay and watch a movie with Jake after he came home from the neighbors house. I had to shut it off half way through because I had to go to sleep. Sleep eluded me however. I was probably overtired. Hour after hour I lay there with so much on my mind. Trying to figure it all out in one night. Worried that If I go with A, I lose B, and If I stay with B, I will never get anywhere the way I would have with A. But I don’t know if any of it’s worth it to lose B. Why can’t I just have it all. God knows I’ve worked hard enough for it, with all my heart and soul.
I sat at the table this evening and reminded myself of something I was told a few months ago when Alicia was in the hospital. You can only live right in this very minute, this second. You can change nothing in the past even just a minute ago, and you don’t know what the future brings until It gets here. I need to live in the moment. I know what my goals are, and that is not something everyone can say. So I need to keep working towards them, because good things take time. No matter how far away the good things may seem.