Tag Archive | stress

That moment you realize life needs to change….

For the past week I’ve not felt well.  Something is wrong, and I’m pretty sure it’s stress.  Well, I WAS pretty sure it was stressquote but now I don’t know what to think.  Last week I started to have chest pain while  I was at work. Sharp shooting pain that was gone the second I put my hand to my chest, that’s how fast it went.

I was unable to sleep the past few days and unable to relax.  I felt a bit anxious, but couldn’t understand why.  Then I started noticing that I could not walk from the house to the car without being out of breath.  My heart was pounding in my chest.  I took a shower, and when I got out I got a phone call.  My friend asked why I was out of breath.  I said “I just showered”, and his response was, “and just what were you DOING in the shower to be so out of breath?”   “Haha, nothing, but, it’s weird right, and my pulse is 110”!

So I saw the doctor today and said “it’s just stress, I know…but I wanted you to rule it out”.  He didn’t answer me and I got a little worried…He always tells me it’s stress.  Well, my pulse was 81, and I was still out of breath. He put the pulse ox on my finger and had me walk into the office and down a small hallway and again my pulse shot up to 110.  I’m out of breath and my chest hurts.  So, not normal! I was sent to the lab for blood work and a chest x-ray and if that comes up clear he is putting me on a 24 hour cardiac monitor called a Holter Monitor I think.

I debated coming to work tonight, #1 because I’m exhausted from this erratic heart rate, and #2 because of the work I do.  It’s physical.  If I have to go on a medical/trauma call I could have to hike someone in or out of somewhere with gear to carry too.  I just can’t do it right now.  My chest hurts bad again tonight, I’m trying to relax and I’m going to try to lay down.  I just had to get up and go into the ambulance for the patient care computer and when I got inside, again I couldn’t breathe.  My pulse was 120.  I am feeling horrible and hate waiting for the results.

However this turns out, whatever it may be…and it may be just stress after all.. but I realized one thing.  I always put EVERYONE else before myself.  I guess that’s what most women do.  But I don’t take care of myself.  I have been eating like crap, not exercising, work is quickly killing my spirit and then some. I need to start making changes that are good for ME and taking care of ME.  If I’m not here, I’m no good to anyone.  I never worried that I had high cholesterol or blood pressure.  I’m young.  I’m only 38 but I guess it’s time I started to take my health a little more seriously.  I need to make regular appointments for checkups and watch what I eat and exercise.  I told myself,  my body is like my car.  It needs an oil change and tune up and gasoline, etc…or it’s not going to perform the way I need it too. Well, If I don’t take the time to give my body what It needs it’s not going to work for me the way I need it too.

Also, I have a huge amount of stress in my life and I don’t know how to deal with it.  I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday, I’d gotten out of a meeting, was going into two more, and my ex-husband was texting me being a prick.  I looked at my friend and said while trying to catch my breath…I’m gonna have a freaking heart attack!

If anyone reads this post and you have any tricks or techniques for relieving stress or relaxing and shutting out the world please let me know.  I need some changes fast before I’m not here to make them.




Good Things Come To Those Who Wait…Right?

Yesterday was a long long day.  It started at 5:15 AM, off to job one.   When I was done there I had a job interview, then picked up my boy.  I was so happy to see him. My daughter is going with her grandparents so I said Hi/Bye..and Jake and I headed to job #2.  Luckily the woman is pretty much out of money this month so it was a quick day and I didn’t have to bring her out and entertain.  While we were there, Jacob told me his dad never gave him his medication, nor did he pack it for the weekend…Are You Kidding?  So, Instead of going home to relax as planned, I had to make plans to once again meet up with his father to get his medication.  We went to the store, got an Ice cream, and went to a fishing pond to chill out for a  while until It was time to meet him.  While I was there I got an upsetting email, and I was so ready to go home and be done with everyone and everything.  I met his dad, and went home.

I called my mother to let her know about the days happenings.  She told me I really needed to get out of the job I was working, that right from the beginning the place had completely changed my life.  She is right.  Oh she is very right.  All was right with my world until that place.

It started with the childish co-workers, barely out of diapers, that enjoy playing the game “operator”. Remember that one? You start a rumor and see how far it can spread.  Yeah, well, the rumor about me is what started all the problems.  But regardless of the rumors, the childishness, the lack of structure and the horrible hours, I’ve become a much stronger person.  I realized what is important to me. I realized the things I will and will not tolerate in my life.  I strive for so much more and am not happy to sit by and let my brain be wasted.  gossip_girls

Yes, I am sick when I go to work. I am tired of the stress, and I don’t need it in my life.  Not the kind I’m dealing with.  But I still don’t regret my decision to become an EMT, and the work has gotten me through the last 6 years.  But most importantly I’ve developed some life long connections and friends that I hold very dear.  I would not have had the courage to start again, nor would I have the amazing support group that I have in my life had I not gone down the path I chose to take.  It is however, important to realize when It’s time to move on.  It’s something you just know. You feel it in your heart.

Despite the complete exhaustion I felt from the day, I tried to lay and watch a movie with Jake after he came home from the neighbors house.  I had to shut it off half way through because I had to go to sleep.  Sleep eluded me however.  I was probably overtired.  Hour after hour I lay there with so much on my mind.  Trying to figure it all out in one night.  Worried that If I go with A, I lose B, and If I stay with B, I will never get anywhere the way I would have with A.  But I don’t know if any of it’s worth it to lose B.  Why can’t I just have it all.  God knows I’ve worked hard enough for it, with all my heart and soul.

I sat at the table this evening and reminded myself of something I was told a few months ago when Alicia was in the hospital.  You can only live right in this very minute, this second.  You can change nothing in the past even just a minute ago, and you don’t know what the future brings until It gets here.  I need to live in the moment.  I know what my goals are, and that is not something everyone can say. So I need to keep working towards them, because good things take time.  No matter how far away the good things may seem.

– Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff –

My afternoon beach read :)

My afternoon beach read 🙂

For the past few weeks I have been so incredibly tense. Work problems, job searching, the kids, custody situation, school starting again in 2 weeks…I just feel overwhelmed. Yesterday when I went to my afternoon job for the 81 year old that is in a wheelchair, partially paralyzed, she said today we were going to go to a pre-auction showing.  This lady is crazy okay.  She has nothing better to do than sit at home and buy junk from catalogs and buy junk from people she thinks is worth a fortune and her favorite past time is spending an afternoon browsing at The Salvation Army.  I just really wanted a break.  I told her I really didn’t feel like spending the afternoon looking at things that you can’t even buy yet, that she needed groceries and we needed to go get her glasses fixed.  She said, my old glasses are good enough, and I don’t need food> Of course.  You would rather shop for NON-essentials.  Grrr…So I said to myself that I could really use a day away from her.  Tomorrow was Friday after all, and I should just take the day off.  But as usual I drove the 20 minutes to her house and she was not home.  Now I was both annoyed with her and myself.  Her for not telling me she was going out with the neighbor and she wouldn’t be there and myself for forgetting the house key in my backpack at home.  However, I breathed a sigh of relief realizing she had gone to the auction with the lady that told her about it I knew they wouldn’t be back any time soon,  So, I decided It was going to be MY DAY! I put some music on and ran an errand to return something that had been sitting in my car for a friend and then I headed to Barnes and Noble.  I browsed for a while not really knowing what I was looking for and then I found a small book on the clearance shelf called “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff”, by Kristine Carlson.  There is 100 short essays about dealing with stress, making time for yourself, laughing when all else fails, avoiding letting self doubt get in your way and so on…

I thought, this is exactly what I am looking for.  So I checked out, ran another errand and went home.  I have taken my therapists advice and tried not to worry about holding those who have done me wrong accountable.  She reminded me that what goes around comes around, and they will be punished one way or another.  I thought of all the energy I had put into my anger and was trying to let it go.  I got home and took a nap with the kitty for a little while, and when I woke up I worked in the yard.  I weeded, deadheaded flowers and watered.  Already feeling more relaxed.  Of course, I’m home and not at work, but I have to think positive.  Right now, I’m relaxed and feel a little more centered.  From now on, it’s about me and what I want and what I need.  No, I don’t think I’m selfish.  I think if I am going to be healthy and happy I need to look out for me because no one else will.  My kids need a happy healthy mom, first and foremost.  And no matter how busy I am and how crazy my life  is, I am there for them whenever they need it.  They know that and that’s all I can do.

So, tomorrow is an early day, heading to Gloucester to the beach with one of my girlfriends and I’m going to relax on the beach and read my new book.  Hoping it will be as insightful and helpful as I hope it will be.  I’ll let you know what I think.  Check it out for yourself. She has others as well. If I like this one, I’m going to pick up “don’t sweat the small stuff in LOVE”.


**The Burden of a Full Plate**

Tips for managing stress

Tips for managing stress

It’s been a very tiring day today.  Tuesdays are the worst for me because it is my double shift.  Up for work at 545AM working until Midnight. My body and my mind are both equally exhausted.  The ambulance was out for a few hours today, otherwise I spent the day sending out more resumes.  I have been sitting here looking over the job openings until my eyes were burning.  This place has been gnawing at my nerves today.  I have been sick to my stomach to the point of almost vomiting, horrible chest pain, even more horrible pain in my upper back, headache and shortness of breath.  At one point I thought maybe I was having a heart attack but I keep reminding myself It is just stress (I hope). I have not heard anything on the other job I interviewed for last week, but the pay was too low so I’m okay with that.  I would not be able to take it at their starting pay.  I would however, love for one of the other places to contact me.  I just don’t understand it.

To make matters worse I sent a text to my ex-husband yesterday and told him that my son wanted to live with me and we needed to make arrangements and talk so I could register him for school….no answer.  I sent a second text today…no answer.  Every decision I make regarding my employment will be based on whether Jake lives with me or not.  Do I work days while he’s in school, and pay no child support, so I can be home with him at night.  If I quit my full time job at night, which I hate, and for some reason Jake cant live here or it’ll be a long drawn out custody thing, I can’t accept a day job without also having to look for a new part time job at night.  Right now my 3 jobs sort of support me.  I don’t like the idea of upsetting the delicate balance I am barely hanging on too.  I’m so afraid one way or another.  I’m at the point however, where I feel I need to take a leap of faith and do what “I” need, for my health and sanity, and my boy.  Alicia has already decided she wants to attend CT high school and stay with her friends and I respect that but I want my son with me.  I’m strong enough now to go through this. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared.  I am terrified. I’m the one that always gets walked all over.  They say nice guys finish last, I guess it’s the same for nice girls!

On top of looking for a new job, wanting to get my son back home and possibly having a custody battle, I start back to school in 3 weeks.  On deck is Business Law class (how appropriate) and introduction to Algebra…UGH!!! Maybe all of this is why I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.  There is too much on my plate right now….and more and more is being piled on.  I MUST learn how to relax, and I MUST find more time for myself.  Getting back to the gym is in order, not only for my weight, but for my stress and mental health.  But for right now…eyes closed…deep deep breaths…in through my nose out through my mouth…repeat!


Check out this site for tips on managing stress.



Sunshine on a cloudy day!

When I climbed into my bed last night it was with complete exhaustion. As I pulled up my comforter and snuggled in (it was chilly last night) I just prayed to God that someone…just someone, would call me about an interview. I’ve applied to so many places, and nothing! I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the pace in which I’m going. And when do “I” get to enjoy life a little?
Anyway, I finally fell asleep and woke far too soon to start all over again early this morning. While at my second job today I got a phone call from one of the places that I’d really hoped to hear from!! They wanted to schedule an interview! YES! Thank you. So my interview is Friday afternoon and I could not be more excited….now, what to wear? That’s a whole other blog lol

Work or my kids…No one should have to choose.

It was a long weekend.  I had to fight through another round of depression.  The kids were supposed to be with me but chose to stay with their dad and help their Aunt move.  It was fine.  Most of the time I will  just work in the yard, read, catch up on ME time.  But not this weekend.  I just had too much on my mind.  I send out resume after resume and I’m not hearing a thing.  I guess besides the fact that there are millions of people looking for jobs, it doesn’t help that I am looking to get back into something I did years ago.  I used to work full time in Human Resources, and now for the past 6 years I have been full time EMT on an ambulance.  So I want to get back into the office, maybe doing administrative work in a medical office so I can combine the experience from both jobs.  The problem is I work nights so the kids are with their dad who does not work.  I have to carry the health insurance and I pay my ex  husband child support.. The kids, well my son now… want to live with me, and I want him with me as well. But I can’t have him here and work nights.  I can’t find a job on days and If I quit my job how the hell will I be able to pay him child support.  I also work 2 part time jobs during the day to make ends meet.  I’m so tired. Mentally as well as physically.

I am so stressed out and sad.  I don’t know what to do and If I make the wrong decision It will hurt me more financially then I’m hurting now.  My kids can’t live with me because I have to work and have health insurance.  What the hell kind of screwed up crap is that.  I don’t have anyone around to help me with them. Not to mention, they should not have to be in school all day and have their mom gone to work at night.  They are better off with their dad in that respect.  But I’m so confused.  I guess there is nothing I can do until I find another job.

Sorry just very tired and needed to vent.

Cellar Dweller…

One of the things I never thought I’d do again was move back home with my parents.  Give me a break….What have I done in my life that I deserve to be punished with homelessness.  No, I don’t feel like living in my parents basement is home.  This hasn’t been home for a very long time.
So, I’m back, and I feel like a kid again.  The kids have not visited much because there is no room for them and they are not happy about me being here.  Mom and dad camp in the summer however so they are not home much.  I was back to planning my trysts with men around my parents schedule (not that there were many).  But it was kind of awkward to have a “male suitor” come a’ calling when mom and dad were upstairs, and mom comes down to do laundry!! Nope, forget that, I will plan for another time.  No sense in myself or the guy feeling uncomfortable.  Let me tell you I stayed away from “home” as much as possible.  Some days I just drove around in my car until I thought my parents had more than likely gone to bed. One thing I hate more than anything is chatting with mom when I come home at night.  Or being asked where I am going or where I was.  It’s just not something a 36 year old wants to do, ya know?
So the point of me moving back here was to save money for a place to live and to file for bankruptcy.  The divorce and the financial mess from my ex-husband wreaked havoc on my finances.  So again, I was needing money.  I could not survive on $230/wk from the ambulance ($150 was taken for CP) and $200 every two weeks from the disabled kid.  So I started looking AGAIN.  I found an elderly woman that needed help during the day with some shopping, dr. appointments and light housework.  I went to meet with her and got the job on the spot.  She had a stroke years ago and is confined to a wheelchair, with one side being completely paralyzed.  So that’s what I did, from sun up to sun down, I worked 3 jobs.  I’m exhausted…BEYOND depressed and stressed.  I was at the point that I thought I was going to lose it.  After 6 months with my parents I needed to leave.  If I wanted to save my sanity and my relationships with my family, I needed my own home.
I was losing weight, that was the only up side.  I hardly ate anymore.

Me in the kitchen

Me in the kitchen

Losing weight...yay!

Losing weight…yay!